REPRISE: SATIRE--Leaked transcript of private two-hour conversation between Putin and Trump in Helsinki in 2018
As current news reports focus on “ceasefire negotiations”, it is useful to consider who the players are in these negotiations, and to take a satirical look at the relationship between Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump.
CONTEXT FOR CURRENT CEASEFIRE NEGOTIATIONS
The Players
Vladimir Putin -
Dictator and President of Russia. Never elected in a free election. War criminal for whom International Criminal Court (ICC) has issued an arrest warrant for war crimes in Ukraine, including kidnapping and removal to Russia of some 20,000 Ukrainian children. Presumptive war criminal guilty of the international crime of “aggression” (known as a “crime against peace” at the Nuremberg Trials in 1945-46). Launched invasion of Crimea and Eastern Ukraine in 2014. Launched expanded into full invasion of Ukraine on February 24, 2022. Russian aggression, including bombing of civilian populations and civilian infrastructure, has cost hundreds of thousands of Ukrainian lives in the last three years. Presumed murderer of opponents Boris Nemtsov (2015) and Alexei Navalny (2024). Launched invasion of Georgia in 2008 and as noted of Crimea and Eastern Ukraine in 2014. Since 2022, responsible for Ukraine war strategy based on the systematic commission of war crimes and crimes against humanity. Responsible for the systematic commission of war crimes and crimes against humanity in Syria by Russian military and Syrian forces of Bashar al-Assad which they supported, including the destruction of Aleppo. Responsible for the commission of similar war crimes in Chechnya in the 1990’s and in uthe Second Chechen War (1999-2009). Presumably responsible for the deaths of other Russians living abroad and for those of a number of Russian officials and opponents who have fallen to their deaths from apartment windows or died under other suspicious circumstances.
Donald Trump -
Convicted felon and subject of some 91 felony indictments, all of which were dismissed after he took office as the 47th president of the United States on January 20, 2025, except for the 34 New York state felonies for which he was convicted in 2024. Led conspiracy to overthrow the the election results in the November 2024 presidential election and led attempted coup d’etat which culminated in the invasion of the Capitol on January 6, 2025 which resulted in at least five deaths. Since assuming office on January 20, 2025, has led amassive effort to dismantle U.S. government departments and programs. Most of these actions appear blatantly unconstitutional and have been blocked by temporary restraining orders (TRO’s) issued by a variety of federal courts. Donald Trump is reliably reported to be a Russian asset which Russia has been cultivating for more than 40 years. He has never seriously criticized Vladimir Putin, and appears to consistently act to further Russian foreign policy interests and objectives.
Volodymyr Zelensky -
President of Ukraine, elected in 2019 in free elections in which he won a run-off election with 73% of the vote. His current popularity rating is 67%. Zelensky has led efforts to generate military and economic support for Ukraine’s war of self-defense against Russian aggression and helped generate and maintain high levels of domestic support for the war effort.
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SATIRE--Leaked transcript of private two-hour conversation between Putin and Trump in Helsinki
Originally published in The Trenchant Observer on July 16, 2018. Republished in James Rowles, The Rape of American Democracy: Republican Actions and Democratic Failures, 2016-2021 (2024), Chapter 36, pp. 126-28.
We have received through a chain of secret channels a “transcript” of the secret conversations between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin which took place at the beginning of their summit meeting on July 16, 2018 in Helsinki, Finland. The “transcript” is actually a description of what took place during those two hours in which only the principals and two translators were present. The document which follows was compiled by Israeli and Finnish intelligence sources, as augmented by intercepts and additional information from other intelligence agencies. Because of the sensitive nature of the subject matter, not all information could be confirmed. What follows, therefore, should be viewed as a raw intelligence product.
Israel enlisted Finnish intelligence officials to assist in placing cameras and audio recording equipment in the room in which the meeting between Putin and Trump took place. The equipment was installed only after the room had been swept for bugs and the meeting had begun.
Trump and Putin are seen in the video as sitting in two chairs. Shortly after the meeting begins, Putin asks Trump if he would like a neck and shoulder massage, so the meeting can be conducted in a more relaxed manner. Putin moves to stand behind Trump and starts to massage his neck and shoulders. Then, at Putin’s suggestion, both men remove their shirts. Trump says softly that this is the first time he has been touched like that in a very long time, as things with Melania have been somewhat strained because of the Stormy Daniels affair.
Putin moves into deep massage, and also offers Trump something to drink. Trump falls asleep. Then, from the sidelines a hospital bed and certain medical equipment are wheeled into the room, and Trump is put on the hospital bed. Men dressed as doctors appear near the bed.
Putin explains to the doctors that the microchip they had implanted in Trump’s brain at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Moscow in 2013 (at the Miss Universe pageant), when Trump fell asleep after the “Golden Showers” show on the bed Barack Obama had slept on, had begun to malfunction. In particular, despite several software updates that had been downloaded to the chip when Putin gave Trump brief head massages on the sidelines of various multilateral summit meetings, the “Crimea” and “sanctions” components of the chip had failed to operate properly. To be sure, the “North Korean military games” component had worked flawlessly in Singapore, where Trump canceled the annual joint South Korean and American military exercises. Still, the most important components –“Crimea” and “sanctions”– appeared to not be working properly, because they had not produced the desired effects.
Because the five-year-old microchip had also showed other signs of decay, leading to some erratic behavior by Trump, Putin and his team had decided to replace the chip with a new and more advanced version, whose software could be updated though the use of imperceptible sonic waves, obviating the necessity of Putin giving Trump quick head massages on the sidelines of multilateral summit meetings.
The chip was installed, quickly, and Trump’s head was sewn up so expertly with the assistance of modern medical technology that there was no scar and not even a trace of an incision.
Following the operation, the hospital bed and medical equipment were quickly removed from the room, along with the doctors. Trump was then brought back to consciousness. At that point Putin directed flashing lights into Trump’s eyes, explaining that the lights would help Trump with his troubled sleep pattern in the early hours of the morning. Trump had been given medicine that made him feel very good, and he thanked Putin for the neck and shoulder massage. Both men put their shirts back on.
The interpreters were then summoned back into the room, following an extended break for morning tea and coffee, made possible they were told by Putin’s desire to conduct a conversation directly with Trump in English, which after years of study he had recently become proficient in.
The two leaders proceeded to tick off the items on their lists, though Trump was prompted not to change his responses on the Crimea or sanctions issues until he received further instructions.
Smiling broadly, both men left the room to meet their entourages and to continue the larger group discussions planned for the rest of the day.
The actual film and audio of the secret two-hour meeting have not become available. Their actual content came as a shock to Israeli intelligence and political leaders. The latter, however, expressed their deep appreciation to the intelligence services, which had at least made it possible for them to understand what they were dealing with.
The Trenchant Observer
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James Rowles is a former Lecturer on Law at Harv Law School and professor of international law at other universities.
He studied the history of Nazi Germany at Stanford, and has studied and worked on human rights, judicial reform, and access to justice projects in many countries in Latin America, Africa, the Middle East, and in Afghanistan and Russia. At Harvard Law School, he taught a course on “Law, Human Rights, and the Struggle for Democracy in Latin America”.
At the Inter-American Commission on Human Rights (IACHR) of the OAS, he worked on human rights cases involving forced disappearances, executions, and torture in a number of authoritarian countries in Latin America and the Caribbean.
Recent Books by the Author
James P. Rowles, The Rape of American Democracy: Republican Actions and Democratic Failures, 2016-2021 (2024). Available on Amazon, and from IngramSpark by clicking on a link here.
James P. Rowles, Don’t Be Stupid. Pay Attention, Damn It! Advice for Undecided Voters and Voters Leaning Toward Trump (2024). Available on Amazon,and from IngramSpark by clicking on a link here.
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